I started drafting this blog post and I realized that it was just a little over a year ago that I wrote a similarly-themed update called I’m Still Scared. If you’re not familiar with my fear surrounding horses or the event leading up to my shattered confidence, maybe take a peek at that blog post before continuing on with this one.
It has been nearly 8 years since I witnessed a horse wreck so bad and involving someone so close to me that it completely shattered my confidence in horses. I still loved them, I still craved their company, my identity still felt completely wrapped up in them but I was terrified to ride. Even on a completely broke horse, even at the walk, if they took a step I wasn’t counting on and planning for, I would completely meltdown.
I was so afraid.
Beyond the fear for my safety though, was the fear for my identity. I honestly did not know who I was without horses. I didn’t particularly want to find out but I also didn’t know how to move forward with them, either.
For a girl who needs a plan, not having one was another scary factor.
You know what I did? I pushed forward. And while that sounds all well and good and maybe even a little badass… keep in mind I am writing this blog post nearly EIGHT YEARS later.
Yes, I pushed forward. But it took a heck of a long time to even get to this point. The point where I feel safe more often then afraid. Where I trust my horse more than I question him. Where I have confidence again.
I don’t know your story, but I’m sure you have one. It may involve horses, it may not. I know that life is difficult and messy and events happen all the time that shatter our confidence and call our identity into question.
But I also know we can overcome our setbacks.
It just might take some time.
In 2019 I rode my horse in the beautiful states of Idaho, Washington, and Oregon. I rode over mountain passes, I ate my lunch by alpine lakes, I trusted my horse near steep drop-offs and I felt confident and capable on horseback.
Finally.
One Comment
This is beautiful and gives me a lot of hope. I was a 12 year old horse crazy girl when I watched my mom get bucked off. I was home alone with her and she just laid on the ground unconscious. I had to call 911, I thought she was dead. It ruined horses for me for a long time. 17 years later and I can ride at a walk and I love ground work, but I have a long ways to go. Thank you for sharing your experience and healing ❤
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