I have shared before (mostly on Instagram) about my fear of horses.
I grew up with horses, I have been riding for as long as I can remember and for the majority of those years I was like most other folks who were raised with horses: fearless.
Sure, I knew there was potential to get hurt. I had been kicked, stepped on, bitten, fallen off, been bucked off… I had bruises, scrapes, cuts, concussions to prove that. I even knew, in some distant part of my mind, that I could be seriously injured or even killed because of this hobby of mine. I had read articles online, I had seen warning signs on rodeo grounds, I had talked to people who knew someone this had happened to.
But it was all very abstract.
And then I witnessed a horse rear up and go over backwards on my Mama, crushing her hips and pelvis and leaving her lucky to ever walk again. Lucky to be alive.
And I was afraid.
I was in my early 20’s, I had twenty-something years of wonderful horse experiences and all of the sudden, this one experience was changing everything I knew, everything I believed.
If you take a peek at my Instagram (or if you’ve been around this blog for any length of time), this revelation may surprise you. Nearly every photo I post has a horse in it. But I spent years living with a crippling fear of horses and although it’s not crippling today, the fear is still there. It’s in the shadows of my mind every time I put my foot in the stirrup. It’s in the pit of my stomach whenever my horse takes a step I didn’t plan on. It’s watching me school a young horse and it’s waiting for me as I ride my most trusted horse.
The majority of my saddle time these days is spent with Spur and let me tell you, God really knew what He was doing when He led me to Spur. I was in the midst of gaining some confidence back when I was forced into horse shopping after Jackson’s diagnosis (you can read more about Jackson here and here) and I decided again to purchase an untouched, unstarted colt to be my partner.
And Spur is weird. He has always been weird. But one thing he has never been is mean-spirited. He has always put his best foot forward for me, always trusted me to guide him, and in turn he has taught me to return some of that trust.
Regardless, I still pause internally every time I put my boot in the stirrup. I still have to run through my mental reassurances of “he’s never done anything to hurt me”.
I still have to ride through the fear.
But just look at all the beautiful experiences I get to have because I still do it, even though I’m scared.
8 Comments
I love this !!! I can relate to this so much. After a riding accident on my horse Rebel, I actually took a step back and took a break…eventually getting back at it, but not with Rebel. I loved him to death, but that accident shook me. I didn’t ride him for over 3 years. When I did finally get back on him, I only walked him. If he stepped into a trot I about freaked out and quickly made him walk. It took about 3 months to trust him at a canter.
Now, I ride him a lot more (well not currently, too muddy) but I still get that feeling as you said when I place my foot in the stirrup. I literally have to talk myself into it. I ask Rebel to take care of me and I’ll care for him. I talk to him the whole ride. It’s just something I have to do in order to stay calm. The accident wasn’t Rebels fault or mine, but it definitely changed my way of riding “carefree”.
I’m still scared, too.
Thank you for sharing, Stephanie! It’s nice to know that I’m not alone, although I’m sorry you had such an experience as well. I think it’s huge that you didn’t let your fear win and you kept Rebel for those 3 years even though you were too afraid to ride him.
For me, sometimes the most difficult part is the knowing that I have this fear, knowing that I have stopped to think about what I’m doing and knowing that I used to do all of these things without a second thought.
But I’m proud of both of us for continuing on!
Love this post !! Great photos too!
Thank you, Chasity!
Glad you posted this! I experienced a terrible accident not to long ago where my horse bucked my mom off and she broke her leg (really gruesomely) right in front of me. I still have the fear every time I am around my horses and every night when I go to bed I think about it! I am trying my hardest to overcome this fear and move past it with my horses. It’s encouraging to know that you have gone through something similar and you still do what you love, even through fear. I wish these things never happen but maybe they’re to learn and grow from. You’re an inspiration, thank you!
Thank you for sharing, Sarah! I’m sorry to hear about your mom’s accident. I am also familiar with the nighttime visitor of replaying the events and the lingering fear and “what if” thoughts that come when our bodies are quiet. I’m here to encourage you! Together, we can do this!
Thanks for ending your post the way you did. “If you can’t beat fear, just do it scared.” I’ve had two bad wrecks. Different horses, different places in my life.
I love horses so, I can’t not have them. If I ever get to a point where I can’t ride, I’ll still have them.
It’s amazing how each one is so different. I inhale them.
Txs again,
Lori
It seemed appropriate, I’ve had to spend the last 6 years learning how to “do it scared” because the fear wasn’t going away. Lessening, yes, but it’s still there and, like you, I can’t not have horses! Thank you for sharing, Lori.
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